Gay Men & Shame: What It Is, Where It Comes From, and How It Shows Up
By a gay NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM) therapist helping people move out of shame and into aliveness and abundance
If you’re a gay man, there’s a good chance shame has been woven into your story long before you ever had words for it.
You might not even recognize shame as shame—because you’re so used to living with it.
For many gay men, shame isn’t a flaw. It’s an adaptation.
You sensed early on that something about you was different. Maybe it was your attraction, your sensitivity, your way of moving through the world. And somewhere along the way, you learned—directly or indirectly—that being fully yourself might not be safe.
You received messages like:
Who you are isn’t okay
What you feel is too much
Your way of being is wrong, abnormal, or unacceptable
This is where shame stepped in.
We learned to shame ourselves to survive. The smaller, quieter, and more muted we became, the safer we felt.
And even now, that same shame may still be keeping you small—holding you back from your full potential. Chronic self-criticism, unrealistic expectations, perfectionism, and relentless pressure are often rooted in shame.
But when we begin to understand shame, something powerful happens.
We stop seeing it as who we are and start seeing it as a strategy.
And that shift changes everything.
What Shame Actually Is (From a NARM Perspective)
In the NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM), shame is not viewed as an emotion.
Shame is a protective survival strategy—a way your nervous system adapted early in life to maintain connection, safety, and belonging.
As children, we depend entirely on our caregivers and environment for survival. Preserving those relationships is essential—even if it comes at the expense of our own well-being.
When our environment couldn’t meet us with acceptance, curiosity, attunement, or emotional safety, we did what all intelligent children do:
We internalized the threat.
Instead of thinking, “Something is wrong with my environment,”
we turned it into:
“Something is wrong with me.”
We learned to shrink.
To self-hate.
To become invisible, easygoing, or “not a problem.”
Shame became a way to manage impossible situations:
Emotional neglect
Family conflict
Rejection around gender or sexuality
Being “the sensitive kid”
Abuse
Or simply existing in a culture that sends constant messages about who you should be
From a NARM perspective, shame is anger turned inward, forming chronic negative core beliefs such as:
I am bad
I am unlovable
I am the problem
Shame isn’t a choice.
It’s a nervous system response—an intelligent attempt to stay connected when your authenticity, needs, or individuality felt unsafe.
What Shame Feels Like in the Body
Shame is deeply somatic. You don’t just think it—you feel it.
Common bodily experiences of shame include:
A collapsing or sinking sensation in the chest
Shoulders hunching or curling inward
Tightness in the throat
Heat in the face or ears
Avoiding eye contact
Wanting to hide or disappear
Feeling small, heavy, frozen, or numb
A sense of being disconnected from your body
Some people experience shame like a fog.
Others feel it as a drop in the stomach.
Some don’t feel it at all—they just feel nothing.
This is your body turning inward in response to perceived threat. These patterns were learned at a time when you needed them.
How Shame Shows Up for Gay Men
For many gay men, shame isn’t tied to a single event—it’s a lifelong layering.
It often looks like:
Being hyper-aware of yourself
Editing your emotions, voice, or interests
Feeling “too sensitive,” “too feminine,” or “too different”
Striving to be perfect or “the good kid”
Overperforming in school, career, or relationships
Difficulty receiving love, care, or attention
Struggles with intimacy, boundaries, or expressing needs
Feeling chronically “behind” emotionally
Jealousy toward others’ confidence or freedom
Shame also hides behind:
Overthinking
People-pleasing
Emotional distancing
Hustling and perfectionism
Needing validation or reassurance
Comparing your body, success, or relationships to others
Feeling superior or judging others
This isn’t because gay men are dramatic or insecure.
It’s because many of us developed a lifelong habit of monitoring ourselves—a survival strategy that once kept us safe, but now keeps us disconnected.
Why Understanding Shame For Gay Men Matters
Shame thrives in silence.
When we name it, feel it, and become curious about why it developed, everything begins to change.
You start to realize:
Shame is not proof of unworthiness
It is a trauma response
You didn’t choose it
It is not who you are
And you are not stuck with it
From a NARM lens, healing shame isn’t about fixing yourself.
It’s about reconnecting with the parts of you that had to disconnect to survive.
It’s about reclaiming aliveness. You deserve to experience a sense of freedom, freedom to be unapologetically who you are!
What Healing Shame Actually Looks Like
Healing is not dramatic. It’s relational, subtle, and embodied.
It often looks like:
Noticing the difference between “I am wrong” and “I’m feeling something uncomfortable”
Gently tracking where your body collapses and bringing curiosity to it
Allowing yourself to be seen without bracing for rejection
Staying present when vulnerable emotions arise
Feeling your needs without immediately apologizing or disconnecting
Building relationships where authenticity feels safe
Letting curiosity replace self-judgment
Rewriting the story you’ve been telling about who you are
As this happens, shame slowly loosens its grip.
You begin to experience yourself with more compassion, softness, strength, and vitality.
And eventually, the old patterns stop running the show.
If You’re a Gay Man Reading This: There’s hope!
You’re not dramatic.
You’re not “too emotional.”
You’re not behind.
You’re not unlovable.
You’re not destined to stay stuck.
You are a human being who learned how to survive environments that didn’t make room for your full self.
And now, you get to learn something new.
If you’re ready to explore this work with someone who understands both the clinical and lived experience of shame in gay men, this is what I help clients with every day.
Shame doesn’t have to run your life.
You can feel more connected. More confident. More alive.
When you’re ready, I’m here.